NEW YORK CITY – Speaking to a crowd of reporters at the NHL’s front office, Commissioner Gary Bettman proudly announced the league’s new sponsorship deal with Corrections Canada.
“Here at the National Hockey League, we’re always looking outside the box for new ways to enhance our brand,” exclaimed a beaming Bettman. “With that in mind, we’re proud to announce the Correctional Service of Canada as the NHL’s official supplier of coaches!”.
According to the Commissioner, the new deal is “win-win” for both organisations. “We’re big advocates for prison reform,” he explained. “We put too many people away without a chance at rehabilition. And we’d like to do our part by alleviating the burden on our incarceration facilities by housing those generally-harmless miscreants who happen to know the best way to implement a 1-3-1. As we like to say, ‘Not being paid millions of dollars to pair Gauthier with Carlsson is cruel and unusual!'”.
Bettman continued by citing the top-league’s commitment to the justice system. “Public safety has always been a subject that the hockey family takes very seriously” he noted. “Whether it’s Teemu Selanne suggesting that mass shootings are the fault of trans-women, Max Domi causally implying that immigrants are responsible for all of the serious crime in Canada, or whatever it is Don Cherry mumbled between the long-pauses on his podcast this week. And we’re here to make sure that the most threatening people in our society are behind our benches instead out there among you!”.
The Hall-of-Famer made it clear that the league would only be employing those responsible for truly “forgivable” infractions. “We’re only talking strictly the sort of indiscretions committed by the otherwise-good family men for which the hockey world is known”. He continued “You know, typical stuff, cover-ups- we can’t have a fun night out with the guys disrupting our run at the division title, violence against women- look you’re the one who was freaking out about the leaky faucet the night following a tough playoff loss”.
However, more serious violations, Mr. Bettman insisted, would not be part of the equation “Certainly not homicides- unless we’re talking vehicular manslaughter after a fun night out with the guys following a tough playoff loss, of course. Only ‘Boys will be boys’ crimes!”.
“We’re definitely not going to employ some monster whose moment-of-distraction caused them to crash into a bus, pleaded guilty to spare the victims’ families further grief, and committed to aiding those same grieving families in their efforts to reform the system! No, we’re going to make sure guys like that rot for years, and then ship them back where they came from! Unless.. they don’t play hockey in India, do they?”.
Asked if there are any individuals in the pipeline who were likely to benefit from the new agreement, Mr. Bettman was coy, noting simply “Let’s just say there are five guys in London we’ve got a close eye on”.
Closing proceedings, the long-time executive added “We just want to make it clear, that no one who cares about this sport is irredeemable. Except Rick Westhead, fuck that guy”.
