TEL AVIV – In what some are viewing as a positive step towards ending the destructive Gaza War, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is extending his thanks to Palestinian militant group Hamas, for kidnapping so many attractive young women.
“The hardest part in war, particularly one in which there has been so much unnecessary civilian death, is winning the PR-battle, especially in Western media,” explained the nation’s longest-serving leader. “And I have to tell you, when the early reports came in that Hamas had raided some kibbutzim, I was worried. I mean, what are we gonna get from that? Kids, Men, Old people? Everyone modestly dressed? Nah, no one’s going to care about that”.
He continued “But THEN the news came in that they hit a rave! A writhing mass of co-eds gyrating in the desert heat? Cha-CHING! Headlines galore! Thank you, Hamas!”.
“I mean let’s be real, we knew right away folks were going to be expecting us to enact a heavy-handed response, so it was paramount to earn support in the USA and Canada,” the man known as Bibi articulated, “and footage of an elderly Holocaust survivor bravely facing such a terrifying ordeal with the stoic dignity and calmness of a person who has seen the worst of humanity just isn’t going to cut it. On the other-hand, a skin-baring 20-something shucking and jiving while dripping in molly-sweat? CNN Front Page, here we come! Mr. Sinwar I could just kiss you!”.
“Those swinging hips are bound to hypnotise a reporter into forgetting to ask any questions about some silly corruption charges!”.
Mr. Netanyahu cited other examples of the Sunni Islamist organisation’s “prime captive choices”, including the recently revealed capture of servicewomen from a lookout post. “When my staff came to me with the video I thought, ‘Soldiers?! What am I supposed to do with that? No one in America cares about military deaths!’, but then they showed me WHO those soldiers were, and yep, our friends from across-the-wall did us another solid! You couldn’t find better clickbait if you searched for ‘fatigues’ on Pornhub!”.
According to the currently-under-indictment political official, the good fortune continued even after some hostages returned home, noting “Instagram shots and TikToks are good, but nothing gets you prime time coverage quite like the image of a bright-eyed, pouty-lipped, damsel divulging her terrifying ordeal, sharing her fears of what might- but didn’t- happen. You can’t manufacture news-gold quite like a single tear falling down a smooth, tanned-but-not-so-tanned-you-cannot-be-sure-that-she’s-White, face. Seriously, Haniyeh, if you’re listening, let’s see if we can schedule another of these, shall we?”.
At press time, more than 100 of the Chibok schoolgirls kidnapped 10-years-ago, by Boko Haram, remain in captivity.
