HALIFAX – After a forest fire threatened the provincial capital, Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston, assured residents he will find the Albertan who caused it.
Speaking a press conference earlier today, Mr. Houston confirmed that the fire raging on the southern outskirts of the city was caused by human behaviour, despite a blanket ban on activities in the province’s wooded areas.
“When this conflagration began, my orders from Nova Scotians were clear and direct: Protect our homes, protect our lives and, above all, find whatever moron from Fort Mac put us in this mess”, he explained.
Houston explained the reasoning behind the theory. “The methodology is pretty simple,” he began. “In the wake of the Woods ban we scoured social media posts to get a sense of public sentiment. First we screened out those who responded to it with statements along the lines of ‘This makes perfect sense, and only an idiot would throw a tantrum about it”, next we dialed in on those who used key words and phrases like ‘freedom’ or ‘climate hoax’ and, lastly, filtered that by people who have enough cash on hand to not care about blowing $25000 on a fine. The end result was generally people whose friends’ profile pictures were at least 40% folks in Oilers hats and whose hobbies included ‘crushing darts'”.
The premier did caution the citizenry not to throw suspicion on all former residents of the Prairie Province. “Look, I don’t want anyone who happens to have a birth certificate from an Calgary hospital to be concerned. Our current profile is of someone who was born on the East Coast, but headed out West to work on the rigs until the pandemic, when they, to the delight of absolutely no one, moved back”.
He continued “With that in mind, we want residents to report every time they’re run off the road by a white pickup truck with decals that say ‘Fuck Trudeau’, or have els in the shape of a hakenkreuz, and either ‘I love’, or ‘I hate’, ‘McDavid'”.
“We’ve also instructed all of our undercover officers to drop their current assignments and pose as cocaine dealers so we can suss this Wildrose-voter out”.
Closing proceedings, Mr. Houston did acknowledge that it was possible the fire was not caused by someone originating in The Princess Province, conceding “I suppose they could be from Ontario”.
