DARTMOUTH – An excited mass of reporters crowded into a small conference room, this morning, to get a chance to speak with Arnold Morris, who successfully managed to weather a gauntlet of challengers to his assertion that Edmonton Oilers star Connor McDavid is not the NHL’s best player, by employing the profound argument that the three-time Hart Trophy winner was yet to win the Stanley Cup.
“I’m not going to lie, there were some pretty solid points being made, but I held strong” said Morris, 27. “The fact is, all of the assists, scouting reports, analytics and basic-common-sense, in the world, is insignificant when measured up to the backbreaking reasoning that he can’t be the best because he hasn’t been one of 20-odd professional athletes who all have to work together harmoniously enough to win 16 of a possible 28 games against almost 100 similarly-talented individuals trying to do the exact same thing”.
Morris’s vanquished opponents were effusive in praise for their opponent. “I tried my best, I really did”, began a dishevelled Stacy Malarchuk, “I thought I had Arnold when I hit him with the double whammy of McDavid being the first 150-point scorer in nearly 30-years, and the fact that he is one of only six people to win five or more scoring titles, but he just took all of those blows and hollered “The CUP!” and I was done”. Sighing, Ms. Malarchuk excused herself after noting “I just have to accept it, Ol’ 97 simply isn’t as good as Nathan MacKinnon, Sidney Crosby or whoever-the-Hell Nicolas Hague is”.
Mr. Morris, sporting his signature look of cutoff jeans, a Blue Jays cap and a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan “Kris Draper is the GOAT”, gave a blow-by-blow account of his take down of his toughest challenger, Mark Bolland. “He hit with some pretty good stuff. Like how McDavid is one of only four players in history to record a Top-10 adjusted adjusted points season, that in the 2022 playoffs he managed to lead all skaters in points even though he only played in three rounds, or that last year he managed to finish just six points behind the leader despite playing in 10 fewer games. But, what good is the pure, unbiased, power of basic Mathematics when pitted against the unassailable logic that his name can’t be found on the same silver chalice as the incomparable Benoit Brunet?!”.
Bolland agreed, noting “I was entirely humbled. I don’t know if it was the way he spoke with completely-undeserved confidence, or the nuclear blast of chicken-wings-and-IPA breath, but I was done. I was so humiliated, I almost considered committing seppuku right then and there on the Dooly’s carpet”.
McDavid should not despair at the lack-of-accolades from Arnold, however, as the slick orator insists he can still earn them, noting that “Wayne Gretzky was just a lowly 200-point scorer before he finally learned how to be truly great, I assume by learning how to be, by way of, constant battles against ‘God on Ice’ Clark Gillies”.
Asked by one reporter if he would assign the title of “Best in the Game” to Nikita Kucherov, with his two Cup wins to go along with multiple Art Ross Trophies, Mr. Morris responded with confusion, asking “Why? He’s not Canadian”.
