OTTAWA – In a rare move, MPs from all political parties unanimously agreed to call National Junior Hockey Team head coach Dave Cameron to testify before a House committee, following a disappointing early elimination from the IIHF’s vaunted U20 tournament.
Standing before a raucous House chamber, surrounded by MPs pounding their desks and chanting “Sennecke, Parekh, Misa!”, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed a wounded nation still smarting after witnessing its national squad give up five power-play opportunities against, ultimately leading to a goal that would send the hosts crashing out of the competition in the quarter-finals for a second straight year.
“Mr Speaker, this outrage will not stand!” he began, “Canada has been through some trying times, but despite our strained healthcare system, the continuing Housing Crisis, and anxiety over the war in Gaza and incoming Trump administrating casting a dark cloud over the entire planet, we have never seen our fellow citizens in such a state of shock as they are after having a witnessed a group of teenagers act in an undisciplined and impulsive manner!”.
Citing concerns and frustrations about the selection process, Mr. Trudeau promised to force Cameron to provide answers for some of the perceived roster snubs. “Rest assured, I’m going to grill the guy” he insisted. “You’re going to hear me repeat names like “Yakemchuk’ and ‘Cristall’, until people have forgotten all about names like ‘Freeland’!”.
Other party leaders also took time to speak on the controversy, with Pierre Poilievre blaming the PMO for the poor finish. “You point this result squarely at the desk of Mr. Trudeau!”, the Conservative leader exclaimed. “Do you really think our hockey players could succeed in a country lead by him? There’s no way someone with hair like that would ever wear a helmet! And if he did, you know it would be a full cage!”.
Bloc leader Yves-François Blanchet focussed his vitriol on roster construction. “The team had 13 players from the OHL, and 8 from the WHL! Once again, this nation disrespects the Quebecois! This is why La Belle Province should field its own team! Although, if we do, I think it’s only fair that we also get to take all of the first rounders from the rest of the country, just until we get back on our feet. Which will be never”.
Taking the moment so speak for his own party, NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh chimed in with an forceful “I’m here, too!”.
In acknowledgment of the disaster, Hockey Canada has released a brief statement “We too are sorely disappointed in the team’s performance. We want to make it clear that moving forward will we tolerate nothing less from players than the standard set by our most successful programs, like our gold medal winning boys from 2018”.
